Truth of the Matter...

This post could be titled various things...Opps it Happened Again, Something Wicked This Way Comes, All Roads Lead To Here...

I don't really even know what to say, other than acknowledge what happened.  Honestly, I am quite numb about it.  I have really really really tried extremely hard to block this from my mind.  It makes me utterly sick to think about, and I refuse to talk about it.

After the failure of our previous tried adoptions, we decided to try posting our profile on ParentProfiles.com.  In the beginning of December, I just needed something, anything, to give me hope.  We got a few contacts from the website.  Nothing really substantial, and the more Micah and I thought about, we decided we didn't want to take the route of ParentProfiles.  We felt more comfortable sticking with LDS Services.  Parent Profiles had too many risks for us.  For example, the birth mother might be with a different agency or might not want to use LDS family services.  Someone might contact us that really isn't pregnant.  So, on December 30th, I sent an email to cancel our account.

On January 2, right after church, I received a text from a girl that had looked at our profile on ParentProfiles.  Micah and I felt it was fate.  We texted "Kate" all that day.  That night, we used the internet to video chat with her.  She was 17, from Boston, and about 25 weeks along with a baby girl.  Both of her parents had passed away, and she lived with her sister.  Her sister was very supportive of her keeping the baby; however, Kate really wanted to place her baby.  Throughout the next four weeks I placed my life on hold.  We texted throughout the day.  I probably spent at least 3-4 hours a day instant messaging/video chatting with her.  Things were amazing.  It felt like she really fell in love with Micah and I.  She constantly referred to her baby as "your baby."  She wanted us to tell everyone.  She wanted us to pick a name as soon as possible.

To me, it seemed like an answer to our prayers.  It was erasing some of the pain that I had experienced with "Anne."  I told Kate about Anne, and Kate reassured me day after day that she would never do that to us, and I truly believed her.  I started taking big steps for me...I looked at baby names.  I went shopping for all things baby.  I started making all these plans in my head.

Now, Kate was not with LDS services.  In fact, she was hoping to do a private adoption, but we had her talk to an AMAZING friend...and she slowly became okay with using LDS Family Services.  She contacted a social worker and everything.  Things seemed amazing.

Towards the end of January, my mom really felt impressed that we needed to go out and meet Kate.  I REALLY wanted to.  I wanted to hug her and see if I had the same feelings as I did when I hugged Lexie, Beckham's birth mother, for the first time.  I wanted to get her a few things and make sure she was okay.  I also wanted a few questions answered.

The tickets were booked.  We had a car and a hotel...and two hours before our flight I canceled everything.  Kate's sister refused to let us see her.  I just didn't feel comfortable going all the way to Boston and asking Kate to see us against her sister's wishes.  I was devasted, but at the same time I still felt comfortable moving ahead with the adoption.

Things continued to progress.  The weekend of my birthday, Kate informed me that she was going to meet with a social worker for the first time.  Micah and I were so excited.  Although we believed in Kate, it was incredibly reassuring to know that someone else would be able to confirm to us that everything was real.  However, Kate never met with the social worker.  To put it honestly, the social worker drove 5 hours to meet with Kate and Kate didn't show up.  She made up some excuse.  The crazy thing was, when Kate was suppose to be meeting with social worker...she was on the phone with me.  Kate was actually at the meeting place, but was just too scared.  I got it.  I understood it was a big step...but the thing that bothered me was, Kate lied to me and her social worker about what was really going on.  Kate told me one thing and told her social worker she didn't have away to get there.

I kept telling myself, it was normal.  She was only 17.  She had no one supporting her, but doubts kept sinking in.  It was to the point that my social worker and Kate's social worker started asking a lot of questions...like is this real?  Is Kate pregnant?  Is she willing to place her baby?  Why isn't her sister supporting this decision?

We didn't have to wait long to find out.  The next day, February 1st, Kate went into labor.  She was only 30 weeks.  She went to the hospital who put her on various drugs to stop the contractions.  Kate and I continued to communicate.  Back at home, Micah and I started having big conversations...like...okay, I'm going to have to go and live in Boston for likely the next two months.  Where will I live?  Will Beckham be with me?  What about insurance?  How will I get around?  We started making plans.

I started asking Kate questions, like, what hospital are you at?  Should we come out?  She would never answer these questions.  In the next couple days it became apparent that Kate's baby was coming.  Kate continued to text saying amazing things like, "I wish you were here."  "Your little girl might be born today."  But, Micah and I were to the point we didn't know what to think.  My social worker didn't know what to think.  Kate's social worker didn't know what to think.

That Saturday morning, I received a text that Kate's baby was born.  Kate loved her and didn't know what to do, but Micah and I had already made a decision.  Kate's baby was not our baby.

As I tried to tell Kate to take her time in making her decision she became very defensive.  It got to the point, that less than 36 hours after her daughter was born, Kate had already found different adoptive parent's for her baby.  Apparently, this couple had already seen the little girl several times in the NICU.  The couple even agreed to keep the name that Kate had chosen for her.

After I had received these texts from Kate I knew two things.  First, this baby was not our baby.  As much as I wanted a little girl and NOW, this was not our baby.

After this experience, I was in an incredible amount of pain.  I was TERRIFIED any time my phone buzzed, because I could not handle another text from Kate.  I questioned everything.  Was I a bad person?  Am I bad mother?  How do I come across to people?  Why is having a baby so INCREDIBLY hard for Micah and I?

I shut down.

And now...a good couple weeks later I realize a few things.  (1)I know that Kate's baby was not our baby.  (2)Micah and I are ONLY going to go through LDS services.  Never Ever again will we deal with a birth mother that has not met with a social worker.  It is far too stressful.  (3)I am actually okay talking about my experience with Anne.  Part of me still loves her and wishes her the best.  (4)However, I NEVER EVER want to talk about what happened with Kate.  I think, with Kate, it was never right...I just REALLY REALLY wanted it to be.  I think Kate is a great person.  Part of me hurts for her because she has felt so much loss and pain in her life, but we were not meant to be connected.

In closing, I think there is a couple people that were offended that they didn't know what happened with Anne and now with Kate.  If this is you...I hope you realize that I didn't tell you because, quite frankly, I didn't tell anyone.  I cannot explain to you how hard this process is.  I understand you want to be there for me, but it truly makes it harder.  I am going through so much, the very last thing I need is to report what is going on.  I honestly, don't want to talk about it.  Micah and I told our families about Kate...and ask them how often I would talk about it.  NEVER.  I want to go about my life knowing no one knows what is going on.  And when I am ready, then I will talk about it.  I have felt tremendous amounts of quilt because I feel like there were some that are upset that I didn't tell them, but I would hope you would understand why I didn't.  Its not because I don't trust you.  Its not because I don't love you.  Its because I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to protect myself.

I wrote this so you know what happened and so that I have a record of what we went through and how I felt.  But, life goes on.  I really am doing good.  Honestly. But I don't want to talk about Kate, and I hope you understand that.