The Miracles...

This post is a lot of the feelings and thoughts I had during the first couple days I learned I was pregnant.  It doesn't all go together, and some of it is sappy, but I wanted to write it down...

• A few words on this pregnancy.  Micah and I were never told it was impossible for us to have a child.  Their words were something like...it would be like winning the lottery twice.  We were told Micah was basically as close to become sterile as you can get.  This is a miracle, and we fully recognize that.  This wasn't something that was bound to happen one day.  This happened because of all the love and prayers and thoughts that were sent to Micah and I.  I know I don't fully understand how much people prayed for us and put our names on the rolls of the temple.  I honestly, don't think this was always suppose to be OUR PLAN, but here we are and we are so very grateful.

• Although our story is a miraculous story, I do worry about somethings.  I worry that our story will be told to other couples with fertility issues.  I cannot explain the hurt that I would feel when someone would tell me about their cousin or their friend that knew someone that was told they couldn't have kids and then adopted and then had three on their own.  Honestly, those stories don't help.  They hurt.  When you are told you can't have your own children, you don't really want to hear about other people's miracles.  Working with my adoptive social worker, I am sure she has heard the craziest stories...but you know what, she never ever mentioned one to us.  I think it because they know it doesn't help the situation.  So, please don't tell people our story thinking its going to give them hope.  It doesn't.

• Another thing I worry about it is, Micah and I realize that this is a once in a life time opportunity for us.  It doesn't mean our infertility is fixed.  It doesn't mean I'm going to be popping out kids left and right.  This is a miracle and Micah and I and our doctors realize it.  We can only hope everyone else understands this too.

• At night, Micah and I stay up and talk about all of the exciting blessings lay ahead for us.  We are so excited to be sick...to go to doctor visits that revolve around a baby...ultrasounds!  That we get to go to and keep pictures of!...to have a growing belly...to feel my belly WHENEVER we want...to talk and sing to my belly...to be pregnant...to wear maternity clothes...to NOT feel all the guilt and sadness that can accompany adoption...to NOT wait 6 months for our baby to be legally ours...to feel some attachment when the baby is born...to go to the hospital to have a baby...to have our family and friends come to the hospital...not having to worry if the birth mom is going to change her mind...to be able to tell people we are having a baby...to decorate a nursery BEFORE the baby is born...to be able to talk and pick out names...well, the list could go on and on.

• My faith and testimony has struggled more than it ever has these last five months.  After Aubry, I really questioned a lot of things.  Not in God or Christ or in the gospel, but principles of the gospel.  Like, if there is a plan that is set for me...what is the point in asking for things in prayer and fasting?  If its meant to be, it will happen; and if its not, it won't.  However, now, I don't think there is a definite plan for each of us.  We all have our agency.  Maybe Micah and I were suppose to adopt our second child, but our birth mothers had their agency.  One thing I do know,  we were suppose to have another child... and so Heavenly Father had to find another way to make it happen.  This time it would be without the worry and anxiety and hurt and quilt and confusion.    Through our adoption trials...I was reminded how much my Heavenly Father does hear and answer our prayers.  And the old saying is true, He might just not answer when you want him to and how.  I believe that God has given us our free agency and our life is not mapped out for us, but if we obey the commandments and live worthily, He will bless us in this life or the next.  In addition, I believe we are all given trials.  All of us face different trials, and on the heal of our trials come miracles.  During all of our infertility trials, when I didn't think I could handle any more and was giving up...miraculous things happened.  First, with Beckham and now with this little boy.  I don't know why we are given certain trials...and they can be life alteringly hard.  But, they test our faith and our devotion to Christ and our Heavenly Father and it is through Them our burdens may become light.