Everybody Hurts...

This should be a post about the Peterson's March birthday party or possibly about the fun we are having with Jordan and Melyn in town.  Instead...it is about my heart and how much it hurts and aches.

This last Sunday, during church, I heard my phone vibrate with a text message and in-between classes I checked to see who it was.  It was from my mom, "Critter's heart gave out this morning."  Those simple words were all that was written and yet...it was devastating to hear.  I took Graham and we went home.  It felt like I couldn't breathe.  I thought I could tough it out, but ended up calling Micah to come home too.  Him and Beck found me on my bed sobbing.  My tender little Beck came and started giving me hug and kiss after hug and kiss, telling me, "Don't be sad, mommy.  I'm home.  I'm here."  Sadly, it was those words that mad me cry more and more.  Yes, my Beckham was here, but Critter isn't it.  My heart ached for Niki.

Beckham and Critter are one month apart in age.  I remember my aunt throwing me a baby shower and talking to Niki who was due any day.  Jason and I were close growing up and now our boys were going to be so close.  Within that year, Critter was diagnosed with Leukemia.  After tough rounds of chemo it went into remission.  Another year later...both Niki and I were pregnant with two little miracle babies.  Ruby was born on September 14, Graham three days later on the 17th.  Within a month, Niki started noticing changes in Critter.  While we were at my Aunt Camile's funeral we found out that Critter's cancer had returned.  I couldn't imagine Niki and Jason going through all of that again.  EVERY DAY AND NIGHT SINCE THEN, THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IN OUR PRAYERS.

Now, just over three months later, Critter has returned to Heaven.  I have to say I have been more depressed than I have been in a long long time.  In the last few months I have lost an aunt, grandma, and now Critter.  I have to say this death has effected me the most.  Everything makes me cry.  I can't sleep really well because I think about Jason and Niki...and then I think of Que...and then I think of my boys.  I haven't really wanted to work out and its hard to get things done.

I think part of the problem is, is that I remember how bad death hurts.  I remember days right after where I was like a broken child.  I remember the grief crashing on me like waves...and I don't want my cousin to feel this pain.  Every death is different and unique, but it doesn't take away the pain.  I am very well aware that Critter is in a much better place.  I can imagine him running through grass chasing animals and laughing.  I KNOW that Jason and Niki will see him again, but it doesn't take away the hurt.

I think another reason why it has been so hard for me is because our kids are so close in age.  I can't imagine what would happen if it were Beckham...but its not...and part of me feels completely guilty.  I have two perfectly healthy children.  Why am I so lucky?  Should it be like this?  Should I be happy while others hurt?  It just doesn't feel right...and I know its part of the grieving process...but it still...well, it sucks.

So, this is what I have been up to.  Grieving and holding my boys.  The last couple nights I just go in their rooms and hold them.  I am so completely grateful for them.  They are my light.  As in my husband.  I know its hard on him when I am so sad, and he has been amazing giving me the right amount of attention and space, all while reassuring me that everything will be okay.

Christopher Michael Groscost was born on April 14 2009. Two days before his first birthday he was diagnosed with AML Leukemia. After 5 rounds of chemotherapy Critter was in remission and enjoyed some wonderful time being a little boy surrounded by a loving family. In December 2011 Critter relapsed. He was blessed to have a baby sister, Ruby, that was a perfect match for a bone marrow transplant. Critter died on March 11, 2012, the day before his bone marrow transplant was to take place. As always, his parents were right by his side giving him all of their love and support. He was so happy to just be home with his family, wrestling with his brothers, and playing with his dog. He adored his little sister Ruby.
We will always remember his infectious smile and bright eyes. His little voice saying, “Sure, mom” and “I be brave” will be missed more than we can say. Critter is survived by his parents; Jason and Nicole Groscost, his brothers Luke and Dallin, his sister Ruby, and his grandparents; Michael and Cheryl Groscost and Craig and Anne Earl. He has many extended family and friends that loved him dearly. We know that he is in a better place and we will see him again, but we wish he was still with us now.
A viewing will be held on Wednesday, March 14th from 6-8 pm, at Larkin Sunset Gardens, 1950 East 10600 South. Funeral services will be on Thursday, March 15th at 12 noon, at the Crescent Park Stake Center, 11350 South 1000 East. We would like to say a special thank you to the many family, friends and professionals that have helped in so many ways. We are so blessed to have you all in our lives! Online condolences may be made at www.LarkinCares.com