One of my favorite quotes is... COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT. It's strange that I love this quote, because I have a hard time understanding it. How can you love trials? How can you love when loved one passes on? How can you love when someone is sick? I don't get it. And, to top it off a Prophet of God said this, so it must be true. I think about this quote often and try and make sense of it. I am sure that if I were in Heaven, it would all make sense, but here on Earth it is hard.
This post is really for me. To write down how I feel. To have a record before I forget. Its not something I have shared with many people. (Infact, only a handful of people know.) Its not something I really like talking about, but it happened. It is part of who I am. It is the reason I am the way I am now.
I have to go back several months. Way back to September. While Micah and I were in Hawaii, we received thw most exciting email. It was from a birthmother. We will call her McKay. She was having a baby girl. She was from Colorado. She was so much like Micah and I, it was amazing. She flew out to meet us the next week, and I was so excited. We didn't tell anyone. We were such a great match...and then we waited and waited and waited for her to decide what she wanted to do. It was really hard. It was a roller coaster. I was losing hope and questioning my faith...and then I got a call.
One of my dear friends called me, a few weeks later, in October, to tell me about another birth mother. There were so many thoughts going through our heads. TWO BIRTHMOTHERS! Maybe this is why things with McKay were not working out. I felt like Heavenly Father was there and was listening to us. I felt like there was a baby out there for Micah and I. I was on cloud nine.
Four days after my friend called, Micah and I went to meet this birth mother. I will call her Anne. Anne had just turned 17. She was amazing, and instantly I fell in love with her. Anne was due in two weeks. So much of it felt like how things were with Lexie. It felt right. Anne and I spent almost everyday together for two weeks. Things were so great. I met all of her family and a few friends. I fell in love with Anne, and I was so excited to have her as an extension of our family.
Micah and I finally told our families, and then we found out that they would induce Anne on Tuesday. It was so crazy. It was happening so fast. Infact, I was suppose to be in Denver. On Saturday, my whole family was flying to Orlando. We finally decided Micah and I would not go to Orlando. My mom would stay home too to help us with the baby. It just also happened that my dear Uncle passed away at this same time, so my mom and I would be here for the funeral. It all seemed to fit together.
The day before Anne gave birth to her little girl she asked me to be in the delivery room. That night I prayed and prayed. Honestly, I prayed for hours. I had never done that before. For the previous two weeks Micah and I had fasted with more conviction then we ever had. We felt so good about this, but we were so scared. The next day, as Anne was in labor, I was with her the whole time. It was hard seeing her in all of that pain. Rushes of memories of Lexie came back. Finally about 10pm the little girl arrived. She came out so fast. She was beautiful. So gorgeous. Infact, she had so much hair. Tons and tons of light brown/blonde hair. It was curly too. She was so little, and after the nurses put the baby in Anne's arms, she asked if I wanted to hold her. I cannot describe how I felt. It felt right, but I was still so scared.
The next day, Micah and I went to the hospital for a few hours. It was so great to see Anne and her family. I felt part of her family. Although I know that Anne was scared about adoption, I know she wasn't scared about me. She had me feed the baby and hold the baby. As instructed by our social worker, we left as evening approached to give Anne time with her baby. The next morning, at 7:30am, I received a phone call from my social worker. Anne had decided to keep the baby. I had to ask Pam to repeat what she said at least twice. I wasn't comprehending. It didn't make sense. I finally hung up the phone and Micah and I cried and cried. A day later McKay emailed us to let us know that she too was going to keep her baby.
After that the depression slowly sank in.
We went to Orlando. We came home. We got on with our lives, but so much had changed. I worried I wouldn't be able to trust another birth mom. I worried I wouldn't be able to adopt again. I didn't understand. I didn't understand anything. I replayed everything in my head a million times. Slowly I began to realize what I had lost. Yes, I did lose the fact that I was not going to be a mother again. I wasn't going to have that baby, but what hurt the most was that Anne wasn't my birth mother. I loved Anne. I wanted her to be in my life. I wanted her to be part of our family, but there was so much more that was taken away from me that day.
As time went on, I realized that I lost hope. I don't know if I believed in hope anymore. Part of me started thinking hope was of the devil. Next, I realized that I had lost my faith in prayer and fasting. Yes, I still prayed, but I never asked for anything. I felt as though if there is a plan for me, what I want doesn't matter. If its part of the plan it will happen, if its not, then no amount of praying will change that. I couldn't and still can't understand the purpose of meeting Anne.
Slowly but surely I am starting to feel better. I have changed. I do want to adopt again, but I am okay if it doesn't happen for awhile. Beckham is a miracle and I am incredibly lucky to have him. So, for the time being I am thrilled just being HIS mom. I have started to CAUTIOUSLY hope again. It makes me so nervous, but I have discovered that hope pushes me forward. I need that.
There are a couple things I need to say about this whole process. First, I cannot explain my gratitude to my friend and acquaintance for having the courage to talk to Anne about us. I am sure part of them wishes they had said nothing at all, but I am forever indebted to them. Most people are terrified to approach a potential birth mother. Its a scary thing. You don't want to upset the birth mother or be rejected, but those two girls did it any way. THANK YOU. Second, I need to say thank you to my parents and special friend for helping me when I couldn't help myself. My mom worried and fretted about the whole process. She was torn between all of her children that needed her that week. Since I would not buy ANYTHING until we were driving home from the hospital with the baby, I know my mom went a bought a few things...and then went a took them all back. She was there for me, and I love her for that. Since my mom was helping Allie, I didn't know what to do with Beckham. My dad and a friend took Beckham so I could just focus on Anne. I have to say, I was so incredibly proud of my dad. My dad never takes time away from work, but he did for me. He took a whole day off to be with Beckham, and Beckham had the time of his life. My dad tried to take him swimming, but ended up at Jungle Jim's. He took pictures of Beck on his phone and would send them to me. He took Beckham to McDonald's, gave him a bath, and put him to bed. On top of it, I think I received at least one text an hour from him making sure I was okay. My dad isn't really the touchy feely type, so it really touched my heart. I will also always remember a comment my dad said, "It's too bad the baby is so beautiful. That will make it harder for her to place with you. You kinda want to hope for an ugly baby." Yeah, I don't think that had anything to do with it, but I love how my dad's mind works.
So come what may and love it, huh? Its still hard, but getting easier. This whole thing has made me love Beckham and Micah even more. I am so much more appreciative of Lexie, and I am excited to one day meet our real next birth mother. That will be great day.
PS. I am sure many of you wish you could have been there for us, but please don't worry about that. It was so much better for me this way. I would also appreciate it if you don't leave any comments to this post. I know everyone is sorry and wishes there was something they could do, but I don't really want to relive it any more. Instead, just send me good thoughts;)
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