Sometimes I Pretend...

I've been really quite this week. Lots of thoughts and emotions floating through my head.

Last Monday, one of my best friends sent me a text. It was a picture of her little boy wearing a big brother t-shirt. (She was trying to tell me she was pregnant with her second child.) I was so happy. So excited, and at the same time my heart broke a little. I had a poor me moment.
Micah was at work and my mom tries to say the right things, but they usually just upset me more. I called Allie and she reminded me of all the great things I get to experience because I get to adopt. It eased my pain. It reminded me of the fact that my little brother picked Beckham out special for Micah and I. It reminded me of the day that we were sealed to him. All very good and happy things.

Right now I would give anything to be pregnant. Truly, I feel like everyone around me is pregnant. (Except for Allie, and that better be the case.) I am very happy for each and everyone of them, but I will not deny that I am jealous. I will never have that moment when I discover that I am pregnant. I will never have cravings or morning sickness. I will never get to have a baby count down on my blog. I will never get to have the adorable pregnant belly.
Sometimes I get frustrated.

Example #1, I HATE when people tell me that miracles happen and that maybe I will get pregnant someday. After they tell me this, they usually go on about a story about someone they knew that was told that they couldn't have children and then by some miraculous event they did. Please do not tell anyone that cannot have children this. It does not help.

Example #2, Do not complain to someone that cannot have children how much you hate being pregnant. People do this to me all the time. I get that when you are pregnant you are sick and tired. I know many that are put on bedrest. But, have you ever talked to someone that has miscarried several times or someone that cannot get pregnant? Guaranteed that they would lay in bed for 9 straight months if that is what it took to become pregnant and have a healthy baby.
I am a firm believer in adoption. I know that Beckham is my child, but I would love to have another. It difficult for me to sit there and pray for someone to make a mistake. How do wish for this? Watching my birth mother make such a selfless sacrifice for Micah and I was one of the hardest things I have ever witnessed. Can I watch someone sacrifice so much for me again?

Yesterday, we had our Henderson Thanksgiving dinner. I loved being able to talk with my two cousins that have adopted. Both of them, for one reason or another, cannot have children. As I talked with one, its amazing how many of our feeling and emotions are the same. She just adopted her second little girl, but had the same feelings of sadness as everyone around her had child after child.

I have so many good friends. Many that can become pregnant just by looking at their spouse funny. I have a few that have problems getting pregnant and keeping their baby to term. (My heart aches for them. I cannot imagine the pain of finally taking the positive pregnancy test only to find out weeks later it was not meant to be.) Sadly, I don't have anyone extremely close to me that shares the same boat as me. That's hard too.

My dear, sweet friend that sent me the picture text of her little boy was so sensitive to how I would take the news that she was pregnant. She let me know just a little before she told everyone. I cannot explain to her how much I appreciated this. It really softened the blow and made me realize how even though most of my friends aren't in the same boat as me, they still care.

Hopefully you can read between my many sorted lines. I am very happy for all of my pregnant friends. Truly I am. Very jealous, but very happy.

PS. After I had written this post, I found out my cute sister in law is pregnant too. Congrats Tanshyle! Truly! Apparently if you are wanting to become pregnant, please come and stand by me.