One Year Older and...

For those of you that don't know, I've been training for a 1/2 Marathon. I would go see Lindsey run them and I thought to myself, "I could do that."

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. To say it and even think it, is very different that doing it. Before this summer, I had never run longer that 6 miles, and at 6 miles I was about to pass out. 4 weeks ago I ran 8 miles. After, I called Allie and told her there was no way I would be able to run 5 more miles. My body just couldn't do it. But each week since I have been running a mile more and more. Last Saturday I ran 12 miles!!! I have a little bit of asthma, and first few miles of this run was running up Big Cottonwood Canyon. I really thought to myself, "This is the most pain my body as ever experienced." As soon as I thought this, my body just shut down. No. Sadly this was not the most pain my body as ever experienced.

In an instant, I was taken back to the pain of losing my brother. Now you may say to yourself, the pain of losing someone is mental or emotional, while running is physical. That is where you would be wrong. Grieving is such a full body state. There is nothing like it. Today, I am still limping from my 12 mile run, but in time my body will heal and I will be back to my old self. However, I will never be the same Josie I was 1o months ago. Emotionally, physically, or mentally.

I don't usually talk about Que. A little while ago Lindsey asked me if it was because of regret. No, I don't think that it is. I think it is more that I like to live in denial that he is gone. It is much easier than living in reality. I also don't really bring him up because does anyone really want to hear about how I am dealing with losing my brother? Its kinda a deep conversation. A former employee of mine once asked me how I was doing since losing Que, and I said, "Wow, no ever asks me that. Thanks." Brian said, "It's not because they don't think it. It's just awkward." It made me laugh, and I realized he was probably right.

Today is Que's birthday. He would have been 18. Que loved birthdays. Today, I could not escape my thoughts of him. It was painful. Probably the most painful its been in awhile. Images of the days after his death swirled in my head. Questions, like why filled the spaces in between. Layered on top were all that things that could have been.

My family went to his grave. I wanted to release 18 balloons to heaven. We left sunflowers, Lindsey's favorite flower. We sang Happy Birthday. It was a pretty sad Happy Birthday. I could barely get the words out of my mouth. How do sing Happy Birthday in a situation like this? Later, we ended up at my parent's where we ate spiderman cupcakes. My nephews loved them. Que would have loved watching my nephews eat the cupcakes. I realized, what Que would have wanted most for his birthday would be to have all of his nephews around him. To this I say...Que they were there. They love you. They talk about you. And they miss you.

Happy Birthday Que.